Stop Telling Yourself No Before You Ask

When I first considered starting Breaking Barriers, I had two thoughts: Who is going to listen to me? And who am I to think I should have a podcast?

I was not questioning whether I had something to say. I had spent years leading teams, solving problems, mentoring women, and learning lessons the hard way. My fear was that people would look down on me. I imagined someone seeing my podcast and thinking, “Who does she think she is?”

No one had actually said that to me. I had not recorded an episode, released it, or given anyone the opportunity to listen. Still, I was treating my fear of judgment like an answer.

I had answered no for people who had never been given the chance to say yes.

The Apartment Had Not Changed

Years earlier, I had watched leasing consultants do something very similar, although the situation was completely different.

At one community I managed, we had a large number of apartments painted gray that were not leasing. I decided to shadow the leasing consultant so I could understand what was happening.

During the tour, she described the color as “battle-ax gray.”

There was nothing wrong with the apartment, but those words gave the prospect a reason not to like it before they had decided how they felt. Once she changed the words she used to describe the color, we began leasing the gray apartments.

The apartment had not changed. The presentation had.

We had a similar problem with a third-floor apartment. The leasing consultants were treating the stairs as an objection, so I took the next tour and asked them to shadow me.

I began by explaining that the top floor meant there would be no one living above the prospect, which meant less noise. I did not pretend the stairs were not there. I made them feel manageable: 17 steps to the second landing and eight more to the third.

Once we entered the apartment, I opened the patio doors and asked the prospects to close their eyes and listen.

The wind moving through the trees sounded like waves at the beach when you are sitting in a hotel room.

I leased that apartment.

I had not changed the stairs. I had not changed the floor plan or moved the apartment closer to the ground. I helped the prospects experience what made the apartment special, and then I allowed them to decide whether it was right for them.

Many leasing consultants could not personally afford the apartments they were leasing, which sometimes made them uncomfortable discussing the price or asking for a commitment. They were seeing the apartment through their own bank account instead of allowing the prospect to determine what was affordable and valuable to them.

I taught my teams that our job was not to decide what someone else could afford, what color they should like, or how many stairs they were willing to climb. Our job was to present the apartment honestly, use language that helped them see its value, and keep our personal biases out of their decision.

The Ask Did Not Sound Like a Question

I did not end the tour by asking, “Do you want to lease the apartment?”

I did not ask a yes-or-no question at all.

I simply said, “I would be honored for you to be our newest neighbor. Let’s go back to the office so you can fill out the application. The deposit is only $99. All you have to do is write me a check, and we will hold it until your application is approved.”

The words were warm, but the next step was clear.

I was not deciding for the prospect or pressuring them into an apartment that did not meet their needs. I had listened to what they wanted, shown them how the apartment could work for them, and invited them to move forward.

They could still tell me no. But I was not going to create the no for them by sounding uncertain, apologizing for the apartment, or being afraid to ask for the deposit.

A clear ask does not have to be aggressive. It can sound like confidence. It can sound like hospitality. It can sound like, “I would be honored for you to join us.”

The important thing is that the other person understands the opportunity and knows exactly what comes next.

The Advice Came Back to Me

The turning point for the podcast came during a conversation with my son.

He has epilepsy, and he struggles with the reality that it is a lifelong condition. He takes a significant amount of medication, and he carries the fear of having a seizure around other people or while driving.

I was giving him one of those lectures mothers give when we want our children to see more for themselves than they can see in that moment.

I told him that he could not allow epilepsy to dictate his entire life. He had to be responsible and understand the risks, but he could not be so afraid that he stopped living. He still had a life to build and amazing things to do.

Then I heard my own words.

Oh my God. I am doing the same thing with this podcast.

My fear of being judged was not equal to what my son carries. His fear has real medical consequences. But the principle was staring me in the face.

I was asking my son not to let fear make every decision for him while allowing my own fear to decide whether I would ever press record.

No one had told me that I should not start a podcast. No one had said that I did not belong behind a microphone. No one had rejected my ideas or the stories I wanted to share.

The answer was not no.

I had not asked.

That conversation did not erase every doubt I had. It made it much harder to use those doubts as an excuse.

If I was going to encourage my son to live beyond the limitations fear tried to place on his life, I had to be willing to live beyond my fear of what other people might think.

I did not tell him what I had realized in that moment. I quietly carried it with me, and I started the podcast.

Stop Answering for Other People

There was no grand announcement about overcoming fear. I did not suddenly feel qualified, fearless, or certain that people would listen. I simply stopped allowing those questions to make the decision for me.

Sometimes breaking a barrier looks dramatic. Other times, it looks like pressing record while doubt is still sitting beside you.

The same lesson I had taught my leasing teams became one I needed to relearn for myself: do not project your objections onto someone else.

Do not call the apartment “battle-ax gray” and then wonder why no one can see its possibilities.

Do not focus only on the steps and forget to open the patio doors so people can hear the wind moving through the trees.

Do not decide that something is too expensive, too difficult, too different, or not good enough based solely on what you would choose.

And do not decide that people will look down on you before you have given them the opportunity to experience what you created.

Before you accept a no, ask yourself:

• Did someone actually tell me no?
• Am I responding to their objection or projecting my own?
• Have I clearly presented the value?
• Have I invited them to take the next step?
• Have I even asked?

The answer may eventually be no. Not every apartment is right for every prospect. Not every opportunity will be approved. Not every person will listen to the podcast.

But let them make that decision.

Your responsibility is to believe in what you are offering, present it honestly, and make the invitation clear.

Sometimes the answer was not no.

You had simply answered before anyone else could.

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On Tuesday’s episode of Breaking Barriers with Sheila, Takara turns the microphone on me. We talk about why I started the podcast, the experiences that shaped my confidence, and what happens when we stop waiting for permission to use our voices. Watch the full conversation on YouTube or listen on Spotify beginning Tuesday, September 29.